Awkward.

“If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love’s insanity, why are you my clarity?”

I’m so awkward it’s ridiculous. During today’s classes we had to deliver a 2-minute speeches, so I prepared a person to talk about and I was sure that I wouldn’t be stressed. And guess what? I was so anxious that my voice was shaking. The moment I finished and sit down, I felt like an idiot. I don’t know why, I feel like I did something incredibly awkward. I probably didn’t do anything like that but I can’t help feeling like an idiot. My mates from the group say I sounded naturally but somehow, I don’t know if I should believe in that statement. That’s of course not the end of the story but let me just say that I talk too much sometimes.
Everyday I promise myself that I’m not going to talk a lot. But the moment I’m with my acquaintances I forget about my promise. Every night I wonder how they perceive me. Sometimes I want to ask, but I’m not brave enough. And even if I did ask them, I know they wouldn’t tell me the truth. That’s why I’m not ashamed of showing people what I’ve done. I just don’t believe the word they say. Well I do believe them, when they criticize me. It’s sad but I don’t trust people. Not anymore.

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The abyss

“He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster.  And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.” 

Friedrich Nietzsche.

I’ve just watched an episode of Criminal Minds titled 100. Although I’ve seen this episode three times already, I always feel empty after watching it. My heart is aching when I see that a man like Hotch suffers. He’s not perfect, but nobody is flawless. Agent Hotchner is a good man. He loves his job and he’s kind of contemporary “hero”. He’s also a workaholic and a boss who pushes too hard sometimes but his motifs are always good. And then George Foyet appears and everything changes. Watching this series one can see how Hotch’s life is falling apart. What pains me the most is that he didn’t deserve to suffer like that. 

The reason of me talking about it is that, sometimes we all are “Hotchners”. We suffer without specific reason. At times we carry the guilt of actions, that were out of our control. Everybody falls at least once in a lifetime. But when we fall and instead of rising, we stay there on the bottom of our souls, gazing into an abyss we can see the world the way we’ve never seen it before. But it has a price. For every person the price is different, sometimes higher, sometimes not so high. If you don’t realize that the price exists, you’ll gaze into your abyss. But why I gaze into an abyss, knowing that the price is ridiculously high. I promised myself that I wouldn’t befriend with Mia. Yet again I failed. I knew that the road to recovery wouldn’t be unhindered but right now I think I may not want to be healthy. What will I have if she goes away? Who will I be? I keep telling myself that she’s double-faced, hypocritical. But when I get up every morning, it’s hard to believe that SHE’s the one who’s hypocritical.

 

 

Monsters

“Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win.”

Stephen King

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I could turn back time. I would fight back the mosters that are scaring me now. I keep telling myself that everytime I go to sleep. Every day I wonder how I can change my life. But instead of trying to do anything I keep on fooling myself. I set my teeth and force myself to go on. I just don’t know any other way of life. 

It’s funny when people think that I’m open. They actually think I talk about my problems. They have no idea abou my relationship with Mia. They don’t know that I hate myself. No one really knows about my loneliness. No one really cares that I feel guilty when I grumble and complain. Would they care if I told them that my father is an alcoholic. He’s been sober for 12 years now and I love him but… I’ve got tears in my eyes when I think about that period. I feel like I shouldn’t do it, because I didn’t deserve to cry. I’m not allowed to cry. Everything in my life is okay now so why I want to hide under my bed and never come out.

“Every morning that I wake, I look back at yesterday, And I’m OK”

Let there be love

People are weird. Every day I get up and meet others I learn something new. Very often it’s not a good thing.
When a friend betrayed my trust I learnt that I need to be careful. When it happened third time in a row, I learnt that people cannot be fully trusted. Since then I confide to those, who would never betray my trust.
When I talk to people I can see that don’t give a damn about how the other person feels. They don’t want to hear that I feel like a trash. So I learnt to hide the most important feelings deep inside me. I talk about small details like a lot of work to do but that’s all I reveal.
When I manage to achieve something important for me (not really a big deal, but it matters to me) they move away. Now I hate being in the spotlight.
When I tell a bit about myself, they think I pretend to be someone else. I learnt that very often I need to put on a mask.

When I meet a person who has a passion for specific activities, I see the light in their eyes. I learnt to do what I love no matter what haters say.
When I see that one couple out of five really love each other I can see that people are not solely egoistic. I learnt that I can share great moments with my friends.

Still there’s a lot of hate among us. The most terrifying situation I observed was when a child acted with hatred. He didn’t understand what he was doing. He was just mirroring his parents behaviour and thoughts. Couldn’t we just turn up the love, turn down the hate?

Safe and Sound

Sometimes I feel cold. But not physically cold, but deep down, in my heart. And as Sheryl Crow wrote in her songs titled ‘Safe and Sound’: I don’t wanna feel lonely. But I do and that’s not the worst part. I know what it leads to and that’s what I’m afraid of. I don’t wanna whine I really don’t like it. But… I feel like the sadness fills every cell of my body. And there’s not enough cells to fill. I need to be tough, I need to fight and I do. I do everything I can to win with my enemies. Whoever or whatever my foe is. There’s only one person I cannot beat. It’s me. I can’t even look myself in the face. I don’t feel guilty, it’s not that. 

I know the way out of this situation. I’m not really sure if it helps me or kills me. Bulimia is a monster that made me shut down the whole world but she also made me feel safe and sound. That was the time I could go through the day, I wasn’t scared. I know it’s an illusion but I’d rather live in an illusion than be miserable. Mia and I haven’t seen each other for almost two years but now I miss her. I miss her company, I miss the fact that she was with me every single day. She was the only one that never disappointed me. 

Flatmate

There are times that I wonder why people keep on trying to make others miserable. Sometimes it’s who they are (and that is just sad) but there are situations when they do it on purpose. Even though I try to understand other people’s feelings and motives but this one is peculiar to me. Logically I get the picture. Apart from jealousy there’s a whole bunch of other feelings and problems that trigger this kind of behavior. But as a sensitive person or just someone who tries to be empathic, I just don’t get it. How people can be so selfish? I know that’s naive but I cannot believe that I see bullying almost every day and I’m not able to do anything about it. 

A great example of this behavior is my flatmate. She’s really nice and polite but she’s such a nitpicker. But before she tells you what exactly you ‘did wrong’ she’ll be backbiting you for some time. Yet, I’m trying to be on good terms with everyone so I in other words I desperately avoid fighting. I mean I like everything clean but what she does is an exaggeration. She’s such a neat freak that there are times that I wonder if she has  OCD. By the way, how is that possible for a person to be polite and a bitch at the same time? I’m patient, I really am, so I think I’ll bear with it. She’s not awful, she’s just terribly annoying sometimes. I try to be tolerant so when I see flaws here and there I live with them and mention my problems when they get extremely troublesome. She’s the exact opposite. Even if the thing that bothers her is small she’ll get all annoyed and snippy.

I’ve just started my second year English Philology so lecturers start talking about an apprenticeship. I got a little bit worried because I didn’t know whether I will be able to a place to do it. There aren’t many people who allows students to serve an apprenticeship in their company. But! Today I got a call from my mom and apparently there won’t be a problem with finding such place. Moreover there is a possibility that I’ll be working there after my apprenticeship. Phew! One trouble less!

Shame.

“Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It’s the fear that we’re not good enough”
Brene Brown. 

 Have you ever wondered why people judge others so easily? I did. Thousands of times. And I’ve never been able to understand that kind of behavior. The most painful (from my POV) accusation was that I pretend I’m somebody else. That I try so hard to be original, different that it’s pathetic. Sometimes I think that no matter what I do I won’t be good enough. It’s a vicious circle. The harder I try the less they understand, the less they understand the harder I try. I’m tired of trying but being judged hurts. Especially when it comes to my music choices. You need to understand that I love music. When an artist  sings about rain, I can almost feel thousands of drops on my skin. I can hear it hitting my window although it’s a sunny day. So when people say that I’m just a poser and I just try to ingratiate myself with somebody or I try to be fancy and extravagant, it hurts. And it leaves scars, when people talk behind your back like that. They don’t have to say it directly to me, I’m not stupid. I can see through the look in their eyes. I know what it may look like. That I’m overreacting. But trust me, I don’t. I tried to convince myself that I’m oversensitive etc. But I can’t pretend to be blind forever. 

I’m this kind of person that try not to show to people that they’re hurt. When it’s a small issue I can easily talk about it. But when it hurts me I become guarded. It’s tough to admit but there are moments when I’m ashamed of myself. I know I shouldn’t be but I am. I don’t know what to do because I’m tired of this. I’m tired of being not good enough, I’m tired of being laughed at, I’m tired of these looks. It’s frustrating that they think I cannot see them. I hate prejudice and I hate bullying, mostly because I know how it feels like to be judged and bullied. I want to be a fighter that never gives up but there are days like this, that I don’t have any strength to fight.